Over the past several days, I've had 75% of my children (3 out of 4 if you’re keeping score) come to me with something that's troubling them enough to come to me. They've thought it out as far as they can and headed to the ol' dad chair to get some advice - or a way to see it through to a fair outcome. Trouble was, with 100% of the issues, there was no fair outcome to be had.

When our kiddies are little, it's easy to make it all better. You do an under-bed sweep, no monsters. You put a band-aid on a non-existent cut, pain gone. You can kiss it and make it better. As our kids grow up, they encounter more grown up problems. As their perception expands, they start realizing new things, new emotions.

So over the last several days, they've come to me, one by one, with something different, but all essentially the same at the core: what they were dealt is not fair, and there's no way they can think to fair it the hell up. By the third child, in ascending age order, I had my speech pretty well thought out. It ran something…like…this:

(light music, sitting on the patio swing, evening falls)

This is the first thing I can think of that you've come to me and I've had to say, no it's not fair. It just is. I think it's amazing that you've matured to the point that you can recognize something like that - my little (girl/boy) is growing up; and I'm touched that you can come to me with it for advice - remember you can always do that, no matter how grown you get.

What I've got to tell you, though, is something you've already figured out, just maybe can't articulate. Tell me if this is close: what you're dealing with is not only not fair, but there's no way to make it fair. It just 'is.'

These things come up in our lives - hopefully few and far between. But there are some things that you simply cannot change. There are things that just happen, that you did absolutely nothing to cause, even though you're a good person and you have a loving, caring heart. Stuff happens like that - and there's no way you can control it.

Now, what you can do, is control what you do with the feelings that come up because of it. You can't change it, but you can change you. So, don't waste time and energy trying anymore to change it, you've already figured out that you can't - that's why you're here. The frustration comes from trying or wanting it to change. Since you know that's not going to happen, stop. Stop trying to change something that will not change. No, it's not fair - it just is.

Now, take all that energy that you were using trying or wanting it or wishing it would change, and use that energy to figure out how you're going to change to handle it.

If someone finds out they have a disease, like diabetes, they spend a while saying "why me?" and crying. Then, hopefully, when they accept it, they use that energy to eat right, take their medicine and exercise. That's how I got through that, and now I'm healthier than I was before I found out I had diabetes. Is it fair? Nope. It just is.

If a relationship changes that you can't do anything about, you have to decide how you're going to handle it now. You can be sad, that's natural and nothing to ever be ashamed of. But time will make that better, just as the love and support you'll always get from me. But that relationship won't be the same - you've got to find a way to make the new one work, or cut it off - whichever ends up being the best for YOU. That's for you to decide, and you can take some time to figure that out - but you did nothing to feel ashamed of, or sorry about. Don't waste energy feeling down on yourself - use that energy in a way that's good for you.

It's all part of growing up to be the special person that God knows you can be. Things get more complicated along the way, sure. But you get better at dealing well with things as you deal well with the things that pop up along the way.

(hugs, kisses, more hugs…off to bed witchoo!)